The Driver's Seat

After an unusually successful few hours at Ikea with the kids (you can never go to that place for a short time, can you? It sucks you in like a black hole!), I was encouraged and didn't want to go home. So, I decided to push my luck and go to Target.

At first, things were going generally well, but even well is hard, as you know. It's just very slooooow with a three year old walking the aisles. Ruby is, of course, an angel sitting in the cart and coos at everyone who will look at her. But, Jude does the typical toddler thing of picking up every item and asking to bring it home. So, shopping is a slow pattern of: step, step, "No," ,"No," "Ask before you touch," "We don't need that. We have some at home," "Look out," step, step.

So, we're doing this shopping dance, and we turn a corner and there's my worst nightmare. An unattended tricycle. Ba-ba-ba-boom. It's purple with Barbie and sparkles all over it, but, of course, Jude doesn't mind. "Look, look, a bike!!" So, he climbs on and starts riding this bike that someone should have left in the toy section where it BELONGS and which we were going to cleverly AVOID.

So, my mind is immediately trying to come up with ways to get him OFF the bike, but, suddenly, and who knows why, I think, "Why not?" Why not let him ride the thing and see what happens? My instinct is always to stop him. But, what harm will it do, really? And if he starts running over pedestrians, then I can intervene. This was a moment of pure genius.

Jude happily (and very skillfully, I might add) rode his girl bike all over Target for about an hour. At one point, another mom saw this and said, "Now, that's a great idea." And I had to admit, "It wasn't my idea. It was his." So, he didn't run anyone over or knock anything down. We didn't get frowned at by store-goers or employees (and if we had, who cares?) And he completely forgot about grabbing stuff; he was too busy steering.

What had begun as a very slow walk through the store became a race up and down the isles. Now the only hard part was grabbing items as I ran by, trying to make sure Jude didn't get my heels or escape my view. So, it would take about three times running through the dog food isle before I could really grab the bag I wanted.

First time: "Okay, okay, which one do I want....Lamb and rice, no..." Second: "Oh, oh, there it is, sensitive skin...if I could just...oh, well." Third time: "Okay, I know where it is, just reach...and...got it!"

And Jude was just so happy, turning down isles like a pro, yelling, "I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I knew this would work!"

So, this one moment gave birth to my new mothering philosophy: Give up the driver's seat and just let him be a kid already! He knows how to do it better than I do. As long as he's not killing anyone or endangering himself, why not? It makes things take longer and you do have to be patient, but we're both so much happier.

He seems like a different child. And I find if I just let him do something for a sufficient amount of time, I will say, "Okay, time to go now," and the impossible happens: He says "okay" and follows me!! It's a miracle.

I think we, as moms, especially in this time and society, are so concerned about being in control. We are constantly worrying about what other people think. We want everyone to know that we have control over our kids or that we are at least trying to. We're trying to prove something that we really don't need to prove.

So, okay, you are trying to control your kids. Good for you. But, your kid is screaming and you look like you haven't slept in days. But, good for you. At least you're trying.

I say, who cares what they think? Maybe if we just stop controlling so much, we'll find that our kids aren't the little devils we think they are sometimes. They're just KIDS, wanting, justifiably, to explore their world. How else will they learn about it? And no wonder they're going nuts all the time when all they hear is "no!"

I used to observe a mom-friend of mine allowing her son to do almost anything he wanted and think that she was either lazy or letting her child get away with too much. But, now I see that is not the case.

She is in no way a lazy person (her son happens to be a very lively kid, to say the least). She has just learned to pick her battles. She would have been institutionalized a long time ago if she tried to stop her son every time he tried to grab the phone or climb the sofa. If, however, he's going to potentially fall on another child, she stops him.

And he is a happy, healthy kid and she is a sane mother. I've also noticed how far ahead he is in some ways. Because she allows him to try things, he is able to do a lot more than many children his age. Maybe he almost destroyed the DVD player the first few times he tried to use it on his own, but now he can start a movie all by himself at two years old. (Maybe that can be perceived as not such a good thing, but I think it's great in a way).

So, I'm learning to choose my battles. If Jude doesn't get shot down too often, he's more likely to respect my decisions when I draw the line. The most important thing is for us to both be as happy as possible, as much in harmony as we can be. So, if he is the better "driver," maybe I need to take a back seat and just step in when a crash is imminent.