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I've been meaning to write this entry for days now, obviously, but I've just felt sick about it. But, I think it will help to release it all.
Mother's Day isn't a very happy day for me since my own mother passed away when I was 18. She suffered from depression and took her life shortly after I left for college.
So, now I'm the mother. But you can imagine how hard it is to enjoy this day that is now supposed to be for me. And it's still so hard to take on that role. Mother. It's a heavy word.
I've always been a taker, a very good child, the role of the taker. I like being nurtured. I was the baby in the family and I clung to that. I'm not good at offering to help clean up after a meal. I don't think about sending thoughtful cards when others might. I don't look forward to cooking chicken noodle soup for my husband when he's sick.
Instead, I want to be the one eating the soup someone else has made for me. I love that warm feeling you get inside when a mother figure is taking care of you. Nothing could be better, right? Blankets tucked under your chin. Steam floating across your face from the tea set down at your bed side table. Gentle "ssshhh"'s from childhood and warm rubs circling on your back.
I miss being the kid. That got cut kind of short for me and maybe that's why I'm stuck wanting to be back there. Sure, I was 18, but I was still a kid. You always need a mom. Everyone does.
So, this is where I am. I'm the mom. Mother. Wow. So, now it's my turn. If I can't receive that loving warmth any more, at least I can give it. I have two little miracles who love receiving it.
And it feels almost as good. Now I finally can begin to grasp how much my mother must have loved me. Because the love for a child is just so overpowering and she must have felt that like I do for mine. And that is a nice connection, to know that I'm feeling something she did for me.
Now I get it. Being the mom is just as warm and cozy, if not more. Giving love is just as good as getting it. Because I know how good it feels to be mothered. And it's wonderful to know my kids are feeling that and that I have the power to give that to them.
So, I'm not ready yet to put the "happy" in that Mother's Day sentence. And I'm not yet ready to celebrate the life of my mom. I will be some day, but not yet. But at least I'm ready for the "Mother" part. My part. I'm ready to be the best mother I can be and pour on the love. I'm ready to make the soup when I need to. And I'll do it happily.
Because I'm a mother. And I love being a mother.
Week of Great Beginning Gardener Posts
1 week ago
6 alterations:
it is so neat to see you learn and develope into the beautiful mother you are. And I know your mom is proud of you.. I love that you can appreciate both sides of the fence now. :)
Hey, Jena!
You're so sweet. Thank you for reading my blog and posting so many comments! That was really nice of you.
Yay! I have a reader! :)
Wow, it is amazing what you learn from life and the experiences that come with it. Like you, I too lost a parent when a kid, but it was my father. I think to a certain extent, it caused a great mistrust for me with men and I didn't know how to interact with them in general. I was terrified to get married and have kids, with the thoughts that my kids would feel let down too.
But now that I am a parent, I find that I focus on all of the amazing qualities that my Dad showered upon my sister and I and I soak in the warmth when watching my husband do the same. And for me, celebrating Father's Day has become special and fun.
Hi, Allie! Thanks so much for coming to my blog and posting. It's nice to hear from someone who understands what it's like to lose a parent early on. That's great that you have found something positive in Father's Day. I'm so glad.
Wow, what a moving story! I surely feel for you. I too lost a parent early on - in fact, I lost my father when I was 13 "on Mother's Day." Then, years later, I lost my Mother a few days after Mother's Day (the last time I spoke with her was on Mother's Day-by phone because we were going up to visit for a graduation the next week). So, for many yrs Mother's Day was (and still is sometimes) very difficult. But, I realized that wasn't fair to my son or husband to deprive them of the day to celebrate. So, I "try" to push the sadness aside & appreciate that I am a Mother,a Grandmother and a Mother-in-law & enjoy that. But, even so, sometimes it isn't easy. And I do think of you, on that day too, & of how hard it must be. But hope now you can enjoy it with your children & know how proud we (Jamie, Roger, me, etc.) are of you as a Mother.
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