Haiku Friday -- Two Kids in the Tub

If this is a sign
Of what is to come one day,
Mine will make big waves.

Finding the "Happy" in Mother's Day

I've been meaning to write this entry for days now, obviously, but I've just felt sick about it. But, I think it will help to release it all.

Mother's Day isn't a very happy day for me since my own mother passed away when I was 18. She suffered from depression and took her life shortly after I left for college.

So, now I'm the mother. But you can imagine how hard it is to enjoy this day that is now supposed to be for me. And it's still so hard to take on that role. Mother. It's a heavy word.

I've always been a taker, a very good child, the role of the taker. I like being nurtured. I was the baby in the family and I clung to that. I'm not good at offering to help clean up after a meal. I don't think about sending thoughtful cards when others might. I don't look forward to cooking chicken noodle soup for my husband when he's sick.

Instead, I want to be the one eating the soup someone else has made for me. I love that warm feeling you get inside when a mother figure is taking care of you. Nothing could be better, right? Blankets tucked under your chin. Steam floating across your face from the tea set down at your bed side table. Gentle "ssshhh"'s from childhood and warm rubs circling on your back.

I miss being the kid. That got cut kind of short for me and maybe that's why I'm stuck wanting to be back there. Sure, I was 18, but I was still a kid. You always need a mom. Everyone does.

So, this is where I am. I'm the mom. Mother. Wow. So, now it's my turn. If I can't receive that loving warmth any more, at least I can give it. I have two little miracles who love receiving it.

And it feels almost as good. Now I finally can begin to grasp how much my mother must have loved me. Because the love for a child is just so overpowering and she must have felt that like I do for mine. And that is a nice connection, to know that I'm feeling something she did for me.

Now I get it. Being the mom is just as warm and cozy, if not more. Giving love is just as good as getting it. Because I know how good it feels to be mothered. And it's wonderful to know my kids are feeling that and that I have the power to give that to them.

So, I'm not ready yet to put the "happy" in that Mother's Day sentence. And I'm not yet ready to celebrate the life of my mom. I will be some day, but not yet. But at least I'm ready for the "Mother" part. My part. I'm ready to be the best mother I can be and pour on the love. I'm ready to make the soup when I need to. And I'll do it happily.

Because I'm a mother. And I love being a mother.